Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Today I am not okay, and that is okay

Some years ago I found myself in a dark place. I was lost, I had wandered off the path and had no idea which way to turn to find my way back.
I had no map, my compass was shattered and worst of all, I did not call for help.
My voice was muted, a pitchy broken croak.
I did not want to ask for help. In my mind it was not okay to be not okay.
So I stood in the woods alone with the clouds of my own making, my own mind, gathering overhead.
I waited, I wallowed, I laid down in the dark and cried frozen tears.
I let someone else rescue me, let others decipher that I was not okay.
I was passive in my recovery for a long time.
My own steps towards the sun came later, when I grew stronger.
I learned to avoid the darkness, to light my own torch when midnight threatened.
Eventually I knew the truth, that the light came from inside me. I was my own torch.
I was the candle. I was the bushel. Some days I was both.
I controlled how brightly I shone on the world.
Most importantly I discovered how to be authentic to myself. 
What to do on days when I was not okay.
That it was okay to ask for help.
That it is okay to be not okay.
So today, when I am blind sided by something in my life, when rain is threatening and my torch flickers in the wind I don't abandon myself like I did in the woods that day.
I look for the stars through the clouds. I hold that torch in the lee of the wind and protect it with all my heart.
I call for help.
Because today I am not okay, and that is okay.
Tomorrow will be better.


  1. hang in there, okay! know that u are never alone, and whatever u are going thru there are ALWAYS stars shining. these are the people who care about u no matter what, and even when the clouds hide them, they only hide them momentarily and the wind will blow them away. the stars are always there, and like u said, tomorrow is always a new day. take care and sending u tons of cyber hugs! XOXO
    PS-i'll even send some cookies, even tho my will be the lame store bough variety, u kno me and baking

  2. I'm not always okay either but like you said, there are always people we can ask for help. Stay positive and always know that we all have days like this. Like Cait said, tomorrow is a new day. Eat some cake. It usually works for me :) xoxo