Today I am not okay, and that is okay

Some years ago I found myself in a dark place. I was lost, I had wandered off the path and had no idea which way to turn to find my way back.

I had no map, my compass was shattered and worst of all, I did not call for help.

My voice was muted, a pitchy broken croak.

I did not want to ask for help. In my mind it was not okay to be not okay.

So I stood in the woods alone with the clouds of my own making, my own mind, gathering overhead.

I waited, I wallowed, I laid down in the dark and cried frozen tears.

I let someone else rescue me, let others decipher that I was not okay.

I was passive in my recovery for a long time.

My own steps towards the sun came later, when I grew stronger.

I learned to avoid the darkness, to light my own torch when midnight threatened.

Eventually I knew the truth, that the light came from inside me. I was my own torch.

I was the candle. I was the bushel. Some days I was both.

I controlled how brightly I shone on the world.

Most importantly I discovered how to be authentic to myself. 

What to do on days when I was not okay.

That it was okay to ask for help.

That it is okay to be not okay.

So today, when I am blind sided by something in my life, when rain is threatening and my torch flickers in the wind I don't abandon myself like I did in the woods that day.

I look for the stars through the clouds. I hold that torch in the lee of the wind and protect it with all my heart.

I call for help.

Because today I am not okay, and that is okay.

Tomorrow will be better.