My Christmas List

Whenever I manage to sit down and start a day with one of these:

One caffe americano, thank you very much!

I know that whatever comes will be worth it.
Today Jess, Trent and I headed out to brave the crowds and finish off our Christmas shopping. Along the way we came across this pretty face:

Jess with Trent's little sister Maddie

It was great to stop for a moment and talk to Maddie while she was on her lunch break.
After our short rest we headed back out into the crowds; Jess was determined to get through as much as we could so that we could spend the rest of the holiday weekends baking!
Soon I was the only person left on Jess's Christmas list, poor little sister I am the hardest person to buy for.
For me, the things I value most from people are not available in the stores even at this time of year when it seems you can buy anything if you have saved your pennies for long enough.
I know it sounds trite, but the greatest gift to me is time.
Don't send me jewels, or clothes, or expensive cosmetics that I don't know how to use.
What I really want are your Saturday mornings at the markets where we can sip coffee and talk about slow things as we wake to our weekend, I long for our Sunday walks on the beach watching the waves roll in as dawn breaks, I crave Friday night sing-a-longs to our old favourites as we make dinner in bare feet, and those cups of tea on rainy afternoons where we talk about the shiny secret places in our souls.
The moments our hearts and souls touch are the most valuable presents to me. I collect them in a place deep inside, they are my anchor in stormy times, the mirror that reflects how beautiful this life can be, they are my investment in my past, and a hope for the future.
These are the Christmas gifts I wish for.
What is on your Christmas list this year? What do you wish for that can't be wrapped with pretty red bows?

I Have Been Changed For Good

'Who can say if I've been changed for the better

I do believe I have been changed for the better

And because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good'

("For Good" - Wicked the Musical)

Some people come into our lives for a moment, passing flitting in and out and leaving barely a brush mark on our soul.
Some people come into our lives forever, shaping the long distance course of our years, our decades, our ever afters.
There are others, who lie between a moment and forever. They come into our lives for a season or two. They signal the end of winter, the growth of spring, the lazy glowing days of summer, the golden remembrance of things passed in the autumn.
They pass out of our lives, leaving memories, acting as turning points; forks in the road.
They have much to teach us if we only listen. If we are open.
If we share our experience and grow together.
These people of the seasons often sow the seeds of change for us to nurture when they leave and harvest down the road in our lives.
There is sadness when these people leave us. They do not pass as silently as the seasons.
Our lives will have gaps in their shape.
Our hearts will be cracked, often broken, needing time to heal.
When we are feeling lost, after our paths have peeled away from those who loved us for a season, we must first take a moment.
Take a moment to let your heart cry, let it shatter into a million bright and brilliant pieces.
Take a moment at the crossroads.
However, do not stay here for too long. Look at all the beautiful things that this person has left you with.
Remember the happiness, the love, the wonder that you shared.
Those things do not die when someone leaves our side. They live inside us as the fertile ground on which to begin a new life.
We are stronger because of what we shared. Our lives are richer because of the beauty they brought us.

I know that my life will seem a little hollow for a while now that you are gone. I know that I need to rebuild a future for myself.
But I must thank you first. Thank you for the love. Thank you for all the smiles.
I do believe I have been changed for the better.
Because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

Today I am not okay, and that is okay

Some years ago I found myself in a dark place. I was lost, I had wandered off the path and had no idea which way to turn to find my way back.

I had no map, my compass was shattered and worst of all, I did not call for help.

My voice was muted, a pitchy broken croak.

I did not want to ask for help. In my mind it was not okay to be not okay.

So I stood in the woods alone with the clouds of my own making, my own mind, gathering overhead.

I waited, I wallowed, I laid down in the dark and cried frozen tears.

I let someone else rescue me, let others decipher that I was not okay.

I was passive in my recovery for a long time.

My own steps towards the sun came later, when I grew stronger.

I learned to avoid the darkness, to light my own torch when midnight threatened.

Eventually I knew the truth, that the light came from inside me. I was my own torch.

I was the candle. I was the bushel. Some days I was both.

I controlled how brightly I shone on the world.

Most importantly I discovered how to be authentic to myself. 

What to do on days when I was not okay.

That it was okay to ask for help.

That it is okay to be not okay.

So today, when I am blind sided by something in my life, when rain is threatening and my torch flickers in the wind I don't abandon myself like I did in the woods that day.

I look for the stars through the clouds. I hold that torch in the lee of the wind and protect it with all my heart.

I call for help.

Because today I am not okay, and that is okay.

Tomorrow will be better.

Hold You in My Heart

Sometimes in life there is a rogue Joker in the cards we are dealt.
You never see it coming until the dealer flips over the edge and the picture comes into view.
It happens to everyone, in one way or another.
When you are lost in this void, chilled to the bone, do not fear, do not feel alone.
Here down in the deep, the deep that we all know too well there is hope, there is light.
There is life.
Take a hold of the hands that come to help you up when you have fallen here.
Relax into the arms and hearts of those that rush to embrace you.
Open your eyes to the light cast by the lamps of those that lead the way.
When you emerge from the dark, and you are blinking in the sunlight of a new day; please remember all of those who walked every difficult step with you during those starless nights.
Hold them in your heart, as they held you safe in theirs.
Keep your hands free to offer whenever they might fall.
Embrace them when they need strong shoulders.
Shine a light to guide them home.
I am so thankful for the hearts that hold me. I know that I never walk alone.
I hold you all in my heart.