Unseen Ripples

In the course of our lives we meet more people than we can keep track of.
In just a day we come into contact, however brief, with countless lives other than our own.
There is an exchange in every one of these encounters; be it a smile, a nod of the head, two words at the supermarket check out.
Our lives briefly touch someone else's, then we move on with our day. Perhaps never to meet again.
Sometimes these brief exchanges can mean more to someone than we know.
Sometimes they can save a life.
I am so fortunate in my job that I come into contact with very inspiring, wonderful people. I am so fortunate that I get to be a player in their lives for a brief amount of time.
It is very easy to measure the clinical outcomes of these relationships.
It is harder to measure the true wellness outcomes of our partnerships.
I was told today by someone that had it not been for our time together that they were not sure where they would be in their lives, their marriage, their friendships.
I was told that I had made a positive difference, that the universe had thrown us together at the right time. Two souls who just clicked. Two positives that equalled a positive change.
I cannot claim the reward of being responsible for the hard work she has put in to making changes in her life.
All I can say is.
Pay it forward. Be kind to strangers. Smile at everyone you meet. Offer a hand.
You never know what the cost of the smallest gesture will mean in the currency of someone else's life.
There are ripples we don't see when we toss a rock into a pond.

Fallen in Love with...Friday

This edition of Fallen in Love with...Friday is brought to you by a week of public holidays, impromptu picnics with co-workers and planning for my upcoming trip to Melbourne with Mum and Jess.
Monday's public holiday was a fabulous winter recharge and I had a wonderful run in the morning which filled me with the hope that maybe I am going to survive the Gold Coast half marathon that is a little over a fortnight away. I am feeling good about the amount of training that I have done lately so there is a glimmer of promise for the morning of Sunday, July 3rd.
Due to a large conference this week my office is almost emptied as the great minds converge in Melbourne to discuss the latest findings before coming back and sharing what they have learned with those of us left behind. The staff members who remained in sunny Brisbane decided that we should celebrate the return of one of our lovely ladies from a recent holiday and also mark the last day of another of our members as she goes off to have a baby, and so it was decided that we would take advantage of the crystal blue midwinter skies and warming sun and venture outside for a picnic. Yesterday was perfect al fresco dining weather and although we did sit at a table (making an 8 month pregnant lady sit on the ground to eat would have just been cruel), we did have all the classic picnic ingredients; there was sunshine, beautiful savoury eats and a delicious maple and walnut cheesecake to finish. A long lunch that should be repeated soon.
Last night I took the opportunity to sit down with Mum and Jess and talk some more about our trip to Melbourne (so excited - we leave the day after the half marathon so I will be able to refuel on yummy hot chocolate from my favourite place), as I really want to enjoy my time together with them and there are lots of exciting things to see in the beautiful southern city.
So without further ado here is what has made my heart pitter-patter this chilly June week:

• My wonderful new runners from Brooks! I bought them three weeks out from the race and I am hoping that they will be worn in enough by the day. They are super comfy already and bright green!
• Quinoa salad that I contributed to yesterday's picnic lunch. This delicious recipe will be shared tonight.
• Memories of Topanga Beach and gorgeous California mornings spent here with my beloved.
• Friday gym dates with the gorgeous Samantha. Just what I need to keep motivated to get up and go when the morning is cold and my bed is so toasty warm. Thanks Sam!

And now for a longer Fallen in Love with... item that seemed too long to warrant a bullet point entry.

This morning when I opened up my Google Reader one of the first posts to cross my screen was Clean Eating Chelsey's entry entitled 'What are you happy for today?'. This beautifully written post really got me thinking about my own life.
There have been times (well, there was a period of a few years actually) where I have not been happy. No matter how wonderfully my life appeared to be going or all the fantastic things happening around me I was not happy at all. I couldn't change it, no one else could change it, and I felt like it would never end.
Thankfully this time did pass, I graduated from university, I had a fabulous mentor who was unafraid of asking big questions and making me cry so that I could learn from my tears, and I took control of myself and what I wanted.
Over the past two years or so I have worked at being happy; I have asked myself the hard questions about what I wanted to do with my life, I have cried on the (much stronger) shoulders of those around me, and spent time reflecting on who Amy is inside and what it takes to live as authentically myself as I possibly can; I have tried to reduce this simmering pot down to the essence of what the most important ingredients are in my life that make me happy. 
I know that I can't define myself in black and white and pull out a list of what Amy is, and what Amy isn't but for so long I felt like I was undefined, as though I was a watercolour creature rushing from line drawing to line drawing and never fitting in. My unhappiness lay in the fact that I couldn't identify who I was; where I drew the line around the woman I was becoming and the world I was living in, the multitude of different experiences I was having and tasks that I needed to complete.
When I graduated and got my job I had a moment to breathe. I could take a beat and pull together all the parts of myself that I was discovering. As I pieced together parts of myself that had been left by the wayside for so long, and peeled back layers of my unhappiness I unearthed a happier, lighter creature; a woman more possessed of herself and open to learning more about her own life, and curious about those around her.
As Chelsey mentioned in her post you may have to go through hell to find out who you are, but you won't regret it. She is absolutely right.
There are times when I have cried myself to sleep when I realised that some of the dreams that I have held onto so long are not going to happen and there has been pain from the answers I found to questions I asked myself about who I really am. But my pain wasn't pain without reason; it was learning pain, birthing pain, when I came to the conclusion that some of my dreams don't actually fit with the authentic definition of who I am as a person and the life that I want.
Happiness for me comes when I truly accept the organic, authentic version of myself (warts and all) and the wonderful opportunities that are open to me, when I realise the freshness in each new experience and just let go of the potential for unhappiness in my future, don't forcast rain in the bluest sky, when I live in the moment and enjoy each day as it comes, when I am present in the now.
Yes, I know that a certain level of unhappiness in life is to be expected but I see this unhappiness now as a passing parade that will leave me with some learning about myself and an expanded vision of who I am as a happy person.
So right now I choose to be happy.
I choose to look into my future and see happiness.
Right now I am happy.

Once a Citizen, Now a Stranger

It is strange to revisit a place you once knew so well to only to find fundamental details have changed; parts that were so intimately entwined with your memories and shared experience have disappeared or adapted. It is a different kind of loss, one very separate from any other we experience, with its own kind of grief, acceptance and healing process.

I seem to have a habit lately of returning to places where I was once a citizen; a resident and active participant in the culture and daily activity. Now when I pass these spaces I realise everything is different and I am a stranger to this new version; a living relic of its past, a carrier of the history that happened during my time there.

I can relive what occurred within those walls, summon to mind events, scents, fractured images and conversations, but of course we can never go back and can only really ever wonder if others carry the same memorial souvenirs within their soul that we do. If we talk to our contemporaries of the lives that we lived here, the now fleeting moments of time that passed, we find some solace that the place we knew lives on in other's memory too; we are not the only ones who carry its history, our own local lore, within us. If we try to speak of what we know, what we knew, to those who populate these places now, in the after as it were, I wonder if a memory could sufficiently translate the way these spaces shaped our lives, changed us somehow even though we didn't know it at the time.

When I journey back to an old ground I am in two minds; do I want it to have stayed the same, as though by remaining unchanged some part of my own past has been preserved too? or is it easier if all has changed, so that it is harder to mourn that which has passed and cannot be returned to, save in memory alone.

I find that I learn more of myself each time I revisit a place where my citizenry has expired. That which I went through inside its walls, or within its grounds, is more easily digested with the cushioning of a few years, the essential details have distilled and I see more clearly the lessons that needed to be learned. To now be a stranger again, back at the beginning in the new old places I wonder what they will leave with me this time around?

Watch my garden grow

There is a time after a bushfire when the earth is raw. Mother Nature's flesh is scorched and scabbed; all life has been taken or has fled from the horror of the flames. It is quiet in this desolate part of blackened earth; save for the cracks of falling trees there is no sound to hint at any kind of hope. But hope is there, you just need to know where to look for it and you need to have a little patience and give Mother Nature a little breathing space.
After a few weeks, and some soothing rain, green heads start to poke out of the soil. These tender shoots take the care of the sun and the cradle of the earth and grow stronger every day. Feeding on what was left behind and forging parts of a new future forest. The old trees who have withstood fires before start to shed the scars of this latest assault and rebuild, healing themselves as they have learned to do time and again. They did not leave in the fire, they did not die but nor will they ever be the same again.
As the old trees rebuild and the new sprouts climb further out of the healing earth signs of life return slowly; smallest insects, reptiles, and as the trees are able to support them, and the new shoots blossom with leaves, flowers and fruit, mammals and birds return to the forest. After ten years it was as if the fire had never been. Mother Nature cannot go back to what she was before the flames, never again will she be the same, but she has learned and she has healed and she has started to live again; brightly, brilliantly and beautifully.

Unfortunately we all have events in our life that raze our souls to the ground; illness, loss, disappointment, no one escapes. But from these we can rise again, never the same but still ourselves, whatever that new normal might be.
It is after these times that we can look to Mother Nature's example as we come back into the light of day.
Firstly, give yourself some time to heal, everyone is different with how long the path back will take them but you need to allow yourself time to become well. Discover what contributes to your wellness; what really feeds your soul and provides you with the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual nourishment that you need to enrich the deepest parts of yourself. We all need to have good foundations on which to build ourselves and if we aren't in touch with what brings us to a state of wellness then we are tending a garden in poorly nourished earth. Once we know how to achieve this wellness it is a life long goal to maintain the beautiful earth of our souls and bodies so that we can keep travelling life's wonderful journey and partake fully of every experience.
A strong, nourished foundation allows us to begin growing again. After we have experienced a huge change or loss in our lives often times we need to start so many things again; relationships, career paths, hobbies, interests, even basic lifestyle plans are all back to the beginning and it can be frightening. When we begin to grow ourselves again we are as tender as the first shoots of spring and we need to remember to take things slowly, grow in the direction of the sun, foster our souls carefully and not be afraid to try new and untested grounds. You can never outgrow the bounds of your soul. Your heart can never be too big.
We are lucky as we begin to grow again that parts of ourselves are not consumed by the flames. There are fundamentals that cannot be changed by life, mainstays that can be comforting in the face of having to rebuild everything else. Our families, our friends, those that mean the most to us and to whom we mean the most to, provide the love that we can use to build ourselves back up again. Your own inner strength, your personality, morals, ethics and beliefs are greater than you can imagine and are more old trees amongst the ruins.  These things might flex and change in the face of disaster but they never truly leave us. Use these, seek to understand why they were not destroyed and you have uncovered the secret to what makes you a survivor. Why you are able to get through whatever hurdles are ahead.

As life moves on and seasons change we move apart from the tragedy and begin to blossom again, have faith that your soul is built to do this, to withstand greater forces than nature or any other power can throw at it. Respect the old oaks that have stood the test of time, and flame, and learn from their foundations what is important in your life, what gets you through, shows you life, even when everything else is stripped bare. Nurture the young shoots, take a chance in face of the wasteland to try something new and grow in a different direction. When you have nothing to lose, no more to give, you have freedom.
So when you face the ash and charred trunks after the fire: look at the sun, the good earth and the healing rain and say, "watch my garden grow".

Knowing (and owning) your weakness makes you stronger

Today I was on a little after lunch ramble to enjoy the lovely autumn weather outside and to procure some postprandial caffeine and I ended up in the hospital, which got me thinking.
Don't panic.
Let me explain.
I actually work at a university which shares a campus with the hospital so there is nothing to panic about, my lunchtime walkabouts usually result in a trip to the hospital, or the nearby sushi train.
This particular hospital was the site for one of my university internships for my dietetics degree, and it played host to ten of the most challenging weeks of my life so far.
When I embarked on my studies in nutrition and dietetics I had my heart set on being a paediatric dietitian who specialised in oncology, my wishes were granted when I ended up interning in both the adult's and children's oncology wards. This was supposed to be my dream come true, I was supposed to find my niche there, my calling in life, my vocation.
I learned a lot while I was on this practicum, however I didn't find my niche, my calling or my vocation; instead I was confronted by a series of revelations about my own weaknesses and that is what I wanted to talk about in today's post.

Understand that I am not talking about vices (chocolate, cookbooks, shoes) or things that make you weak in the knees (yes, my West coast boy I am looking at you), I am talking about those parts of yourself that are fundamentally delicate; those parts of your soul, heart and mind that are like butterflies wings and can't quite take the strain that other parts can.

The lightbox of ten weeks in the hospital showed me that I didn't have the strength of soul, mind or heart to be a paediatric oncology dietitian, in fact I didn't really have it in me to work in a hospital at all. They exposed two major weaknesses that revealed to me that my dream would break me into pieces if I kept pursuing it.
Firstly, I cannot 'leave things behind at the office'. Everyone I interact with, each patient, each parent, each colleague becomes a part of me and I worry about them and wonder about their problems and hope for the best in their lives. Not an easy burden to shoulder when you are working in the children's cancer ward. My supervisor's advised me to just 'shut things out' and to 'not let it get to me', sorry, no can do.
Secondly, I am empathetic, not sympathetic. There is a difference; sympathy is being able to recognise and understand someone else's feelings whereas empathy is experiencing another's feelings vicariously. Pretty heavy stuff if you are an over-thinker like me.
Please, don't think that I am some overly emotional, uber sensitive person, I am just truly a 'people person' and I love to hear people's stories.
When I realised that my dream wasn't going to become a reality because I wasn't capable of carrying some of it's burdens I was lost. The tears I cried into my pillow every night after a day at the hospital weren't just for the stories I had heard that day, they were also for a vision of the future that would no longer eventuate.

Now a few years later, I look back with clearer vision and a more healed mind and I can see the lessons in my weaknesses, I have come to own those parts of me that are weak, and embrace them instead of thinking I can somehow 'fix' them. I have learned that the parts of me that are delicate are actually pieces of me that make me stronger in other places.
The weaknesses have always been there, they make up parts of who I am as a person and in someways help me to be a better person when I understand them, when I own them.
Because I cannot leave things behind at the office and let other people's lives put marks on my own I am exposed to so many different view points, lifestyles and choices, and I can understand so many different types of people, even if I don't necessarily agree with them.
Because I am empathetic I am able to get an inside view of people's lives and support them, or laugh with them, or cry with them when they need it.
These aren't bad personality traits to have, but they mean that there are some things that I need to be aware of; I need to be mindful of switching off after the day is done, I need to make sure I don't let other people's moods drag me down, and I need to make sure that I ask myself if I am making decisions based on how I truly feel.

Your weaknesses shouldn't limit you, they should not define you.
You are stronger in more ways than you are delicate and once you own the fragile pieces of yourself you are essentially sturdier, you can embrace who you are as a person as a whole, rather than just the pieces that fit perfectly.
Think of your soul as a tree. The weakest parts are your leaves, they might get torn off in a storm, eaten by birds or fall to the ground while the trunk and branches are made of much heartier stuff. However, those leaves provide the tree with nourishment and colour. It takes both the trunk and the leaves to make up the whole tree. Both strength and weakness to make up a whole soul.
So when you are confronted by an event in life that exposes a delicate part of your soul take note and instead of letting it limit you, define you, confine you; find the strength behind the weakness, accept them both and love the whole tree, rather than just the trunk.